recipe – The Pickle Chronicles

Keonig’s Pickles

Dec 5th, 2024

4.1 out of 5

Visually I wanted nothing to do with this pickle and was expecting nothing but disappointment. These pickles are thin and transparent and despite all your senses telling you it’s going to be a soggy mess, this pickle packs a surprisingly delightful flavor and a nice crunch. This jar comes filled to the absolute rim stuffed with thin chips and a boat load of thinly sliced onions. At first I only taste sweet, then it seems like it’s only sour… then I want more. You can really taste the mustard seed and celery seed. It’s wonderfully balanced and I could picture having a jar like this on hand at all times. You could take a handful and chop it up for a sandwich relish, or as an ingredient for a tunafish sammy. Also as a perfect stand alone side to some spicy BBQ. This pickle has renewed my faith in these razor thin chips that prior to this rarely seem to bring the whole flavor & crunch package in a single jar. Also I had a middle school principal named Mr. Keonig. He was missing half of one of his fingers so we always called him Skippy, because when counting on his fingers he had to skip one since there was only half a finger. Therefore he couldn’t count to 10 on his fingers. If he tried it would go something like this. 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8, 8.5, 9.5. If he skipped 8.5 he could still count to 9, in case you were wondering how that worked.

Grillo’s HOT Classic Dill Spear

Sep 24th, 2024

3.9 out of 5

I know this is an unpopular opinion, but I think Grillos are one of the more overrated pickles. I think they are a good pickle, maybe even a great pickle, and wont take away from what they have brought to this world that I love so much. But there are better options out there if you can find a place that has enough shelf space in the refrigerated pickle section to sell more than just Grillo’s or Claussen….. Just sayin’ … That being said this pickle has the right amount of heat for a hot spear. It’s enjoyable and you don’t miss the heat or want less of it its in that real sweet spot. Now this is not advertised as a garlic dill but there is an over abundance of full garlic cloves floating around in the bottom of this stupid plastic jar. Your crunch factor is what you want with a minimal “limp zone”. Compared to the regular version these hot pickles don’t come covered in dill weed to the level of the classic pickle and as a result you have a more balanced dill flavor that complements the hot and garlic quite well. Fuck this stupid plastic container, but thank you for the always fresh refrigerated pickles.

Farm & Vine Kickin Pickles

Jul 25th, 2024

3.8 out of 5

This rootin tootin kickin pickle has a lot going on. To start with it looks like the label was printed on the first color printer ever made with the wrong color paper. I think they ran out of actual printer paper so they used brown grocery bags cut to standard paper size and tried to stuff it in the printer only to realize it didn’t print very clearly but they ran out of paper bags also so they had to roll with it. In good ol’ Greenford Ohio. I’ve lived in Ohio for 40 years and never heard of Greenford.. probably a made up place from the creative minds at GreenStar manufacturing. Whew… now that that’s out of the way let’s talk about what really matters. Once you finally get into this somewhat unappealing jar you find yourself staring at a well packed jar of good looking pickle chips. This is not going to be a dill pickle, it’s on the sweeter side with really nice undertones of heat. I wouldn’t say spice, although one of the ingredients listed on the aforementioned bag label is “Spice” so really, what do i know? It also includes garlic and crushed red pepper which you can really see sitting at the bottom of the jar. Give this thing a good shake and dive right in! The pickle has enough crunch to not be soggy, but it’s soft enough to not be crunchy. The flavor has depth and for a sweet pickle, it’s pretty sweet, you will have sticky fingers if you go on a two finger pickle finding mission into the depths of that sweet sticky brine. But its not as bad as some others I’ve encountered which could be attributed to the calcium chloride also listed as in ingredient on the paper bag label. When it all comes down to it, this is a reasonable pickle with a lot of consistency in the chips and overall a flavor that despite your sticky fingers keeps you coming back for another try. Not too spicy, not too sweet, just a Farm & Vine, Kickin’ good time!

Mr. Crisp Pickle Co. Spicy Garlic Dill Chips

Jul 18th, 2024

3.75 out of 5

With Mr. Crisp we find ourselves with another delightful small batch chef inspired pickle. In comparison to other Spicy pickles this comes in at the lower end of the spice spectrum maybe a 1 out of 5 for spice. But don’t let that cool you down, the garlic on the other hand is way up there. Not quite as garlicky as what Grillo is throwing down but it’s in the ballpark. You’ll find these are hand cut but you’ll see pretty consistent chip sizes, all of which come with a crunch that can only be described as, well, crunchy… maybe very crunchy. Definitely not the most crunchy. Yeah, let’s go with very crunchy. You’ll find some very minimal dill weeds and a lot of chopped up garlic floating around in the jar if that appeals to you. I’d say this is a well rounded pickle, and if you are into pickles on burgers I feel like this pickle would suite you well. Also Mr. Crisp was the asshole in charge of Saint Catherine high school in Sister Act 2. Nobody really liked him but thank god Sister Mary Clarence showed up and took that crazy group of delinquent students to the 1994 all state music competition and took home the gold. If she can save the day surely Mr. Crisp deserves another shot, so needless to say, I’d buy them again thanks to Sister Mary Clarence and her joyful joyful pickles.

McCutcheon’s Sweet Fire Pickles – Spicy pickle chips & peppers

Jul 10th, 2024

2.3 out of 5

The jalapeños in the jar are actually very good. Sweet but the heat kicks in and gives you a nice sweet-heat. The pickles are just average. There is a good spiciness to the chip, but it’s so thin that it’s transparent and soft. The chip has very little crunch. Initially I thought there was zero crunch, but as I dug around deeper into the recesses of the pickle jar I realized 2 things. 1. The pickles at the top of the jar have much less crunch than the pickles further down. This is still a minimal crunch but I will say the initial bite of the more mature pickle I found deep down had some snap followed by mushiness. Whereas the top pickles were like eating wet crackers (yeah, that’s just mush). 2. As I dig through the jar with my little pickle poking extraction device to hopefully uncover the aforementioned crunchy pickle I realized that most of this jar is so thin that you can’t really decipher where one pickle ends and the next begins. Lastly, this pickle juice is sticky as fuck. Interesting fact, in the TV show Lost there is a fictional brand of 60 year Scotch Whisky. It’s kind of a super important part of the story. The scotch is so expensive and this person is so poor that he will never be able to experience something as exclusive and glorious as a single sip of this scotch whisky. As if knowing this isn’t enough, he was told this by his future ex potential father in law sending him on a destructive path that would both destroy and define his life. The name of the scotch was MacCutcheon. I assure you, other than the similarities in the name, these pickles are nothing like that fictional bottle of scotch. They will not change your life for better or worse. So yeah.. maybe just don’t buy these pickles. Oh, and fuck that ass hat, everyone is worth at least one $2,000 sip of scotch.

McClure’s Bread & Butter Cilantro Chips

Jul 4th, 2024

4.0 out of 5

I’ve been excited about the opportunity to put a Bread and Butter chip from McClure’s in my mouth. I had no idea that Cilantro was going to be at the party. Had I known this was a ménage à trois I would have dressed more appropriately, or at least had a few drinks first. I know the burning question right now is “Does the cilantro play?”… oh it plays, unless you are one of those people that have a mutation that makes cilantro taste like soap. If you are that person I’d steer the fuck clear of this party. But for the rest of the cool people that don’t mind a little soap in their bread and butter, this pickle is the cat’s meow. The sweetness of this pickle is wonderfully balanced. If you thought the aforementioned sexy cilantro party was a surprise you’re going to love this. Not only does there appear to be some super tiny onion slices buried in this square pickle coffin…there is fucking dill in there. Yeah.. .a Bread, Butter, Cilantro, and Dill pickle. This wasn’t just a delicious surprise, it was a delicious super secret surprise since it’s not clearly labeled anywhere. Also this pickle comes in a stupid plastic box (square pickle coffin) which I don’t like. All the ingredients are printed on the underside of what I’d hardly consider a tight lid. Try to read anything on this label after opening the coffin, I dare you. This is annoying at best, and a future mess of a disaster when your lid comes off and you lose every single slice of bread, butter, cilantro, and fucking dill pickle heaven. If you have a spare jar lying around I’d recommend pouring them in that after opening to keep those fuckers safe until you are ready to enjoy. I love this pickle, and I’d argue it’s the best bread, butter, cilantro, and dill pickle on the market. None of them steal the show, but if any of them stood alone it’s still likely to be a winner. But they don’t stand alone… the cheese stands alone, but that’s a story for another time.

Randy’s Bread and Butter

Jun 26th, 2024

2.0 out of 5

So at a first glance I’m very excited about this pickle. That is pretty rare for a bread and butter pickle. Don’t get me wrong, I love a good bread and butter pickle and every pickle is a dare to be great situation for me. I just feel that bread and butter can be so much more than the red headed step child of the pickle world, and I’m often disappointed with the outcome. I’m hoping good ol’ randy can prove me wrong!

This 32 oz jar has an inviting label that says “check out my mustache, it’s just as hand crafted as the pickles behind it”! They say you cannot judge a book by the cover. I gotta tell you that I’m a stickler for details, and I’m not really sure that entire thing makes sense. When they say cover, is it just the front of the book? Is the back part of the cover? Or is it the entire paper cover that protects the hard cover of the book? That cover goes over the front and back which is one piece, that has a lot of information on it including a synapsis of the book, which in my opinion can for sure be used to judge that book. But in that case, is that more of the Jacket of the book? If it’s the jacket then that wouldn’t really qualify as the “cover” and the metaphor tracks. I don’t know, there’s just a lot of holes in the whole book-cover-judgement thing. One thing I can tell you for certain is you should not judge a pickle by its label. After diving in for that first bite I was as excited to stop eating them as I initially was about Randy’s Pickle Mustache. This thing doesn’t know what it wants to be. I can tell you what it’s not. It’s not crisp, and it’s for sure not crunchy. It’s got a lot of vinegar flavor and yet it’s still very sweet. There is also a fair amount of mustard seed sitting at the bottom of the jar. There is no bread, and there is no butter. This limp pickle is not a winner. The packaging is just as important as the contents, and as much as I like the packaging I dislike this pickle. I should have known something was up when I saw that mustache. My mother always told me you can’t trust a man with two different color pickles for a mustache. Lesson learned.

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